I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
The police never think its as funny as you do.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*