As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
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*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Practicing safe sax
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.