Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
When you let grandma cat sit