Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
water it, i dare you
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Pizza is an emotion right?