How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
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I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Worth the read.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.