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Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Why is this me 😫
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?