Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
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Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku