Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
You Might Also Like
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
All. The. Damn. Time.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
If you’re testing me, we failed.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.