The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
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RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
God, I love Scotland
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…