I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?