Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
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She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Knock Knock
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun