Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
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What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral