I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
You Might Also Like
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*