[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
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You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.