My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
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Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I wish I could veto my bills.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*