When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
How can I say no to this ?
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Match dot com, but for socks.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”