Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

Just ordered me some pizza!

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.