When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You Might Also Like
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Today’s Times
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address