ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
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Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
this will hang in the louvre one day
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
New mindset, who dis?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.