It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
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A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Breaking news:
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations