I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
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*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.