Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me