I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
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Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
this is 10/10 content no notes
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.