If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
“You’d better run, egg!”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
😂😂😂
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Children of the corn 🌽
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
They’re on their honeymoon
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you