[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
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Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I wish all tests were things you peed on
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.