that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
You Might Also Like
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
do horses think humans are hats
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*