do horses think humans are hats
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*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried