Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
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mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food