Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
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She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me