[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
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New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.