Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.