if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Check your privilege
Why font matters.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
The Backseat Boys
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.