Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
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hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.