My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
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Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet