Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
synchronized noseblowing
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol