Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
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Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Always the camel, never the toe.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Was it something I said?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.