Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
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“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Good boy 😂😂
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit