> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
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It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.