They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
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My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software