So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”