Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.