Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment