@JennyJohnsonHi5

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

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@Cheeseboy22

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

@SkippyMcGizzard

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

@WilliamAder

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

@Beerhaze

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

@JessObsess

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

@ohpegah

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

@pleatedjeans

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

@Cpin42

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

@ADHDeanASL

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

@MikeRevenaugh

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”