You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
*puts my mental health in rice
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Breaking news:
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad