my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
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Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…