Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
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People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
what?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is