Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
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when someone rings the doorbell
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*