Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
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Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.