If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
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Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.