Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
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I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?