I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro