wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up