I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
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Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
cause of death:
autopsy.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
was Jim off killing horses or…
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.