Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
You Might Also Like
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.